How 'Bout This Saturday Part 2

[originally posted 8/10/2006]
Meanwhile, four frat boys high on shrooms and various alcoholic beverages sat on a stump laughing and laughing and laughing at the flames in the air. One of them hiked his shorts up to his belly, snorted, and rang out, "You gonna leave some room for us....geezz?" Then he made a smiley face. :)

* * *

Also meanwhile, The General, a burly man with a wife and two children (he liked to think he had the idyllic life) was being briefed about some celery sticked beings in a conference room at The Pentagon, some 1200 miles away.

"They seem to be alive, sir, the celery sticks." A commander said, as he pointed at an animated map that had a flaming loaf of bread in the center. The General thought to himself, wow, technology sure has come far, boy, I remember when it was just two cups and a ---

A blip sounded in the conference room. Three seconds later the blip sounded again and a little red dot appeared on the map.

"What in the," The General said, genuinely amazed. The dot was moving too fast, way too fast for an aircraft. He had to act and he had to act fast. He turned to the commander, "Tell my wife and kids I'm gonna be home late tonight!"

Then, as if in a western and rallying his cowboys, he turned to the rest of the commanders and issued orders. "Mobley, mobilize ten units and get down there pronto, see if you can stir things up, see what these celery sticks have firepower-wise."

"Jansen. Jansen!" Jansen was sitting in the corner picking his nose and watching the animated flames on the map. He snapped to attention at the second calling of his name. "The media. Find out who knows what and when they knew it. And keep what you can under wraps!"

"And Hergoblitz!" A man with frazzled white hair in a white lab coat stepped out of the shadows. "See if you can't...invent something!"

"Alright, men, move!" The General said. Within ten minutes, the conference room was clear.

See-saws, thought The General.

* * *

Cordova shook with fear. Who were these...things? What was going to happen? They were big and green and looked like celery and, Oh God, she thought, will I ever be able to nap in a sunbeam again?

And while she had not been harmed by any of the celery sticks, they were all looking at her now, and the two approaching her had their arms out, with what appeared to be toothpaste in their hands...

AdamG said...

Just as one of the Celery-Beings was about to reach Cordova, it suddenly stopped, opened its hideous green fibrous mouth and spewed forth the following phrase,"Did you know that the number one cause of death among intergalactic travelers is poor dental hygiene?" He offered Cordova his tube of toothpaste. "While you worm-hole across solar systems in a single bound, munching on various sugary snacks as you break the 4th dimension, your gums are undergoing a millenium of neglect.

Cordova began to wince with annoyance for she had been cornered by the universally loathed Dental Hygenists of Romulon 5, a race of celery beings who ironically having no teeth of their own, feel it their duty to travel the universe in search of dental patients whom they promptly nag and lecture into coming in for checkups where they continue to lecture and annoy them ad nauseum.

The second Romulon Dentist suddenly stepped forward, a piece of waxed string pulled taut between his fists, "One must always remember to floss between tesseracts, lests his gums become receding gooey pockets of intergalactic plaque. When was the last time you had your teeth cleaned, Earth Woman?"Cordova had already had enough. She quickly reached into her spacepack and produced a plastic jar of Pang Space-Peanutbutter. She quickly unscrewed the lid as the little green Dentists watched in puzzlement.

The first Romulon then reached out to offer Cordova a long bristle-covered object with numbers etched in the side, "Please accept this complimentary toothbrush and remember to dial 800-MY-TOOTH for a free check..." At that moment, the first Romulon screamed in pain, for Cordova had just snapped his arm off, and, in onefluid motion, dipped it in her jar of Pang. The other Romulons watched in horror as Cordova happily munched on the limb of their colleague, his once trusty root canal-performing appendage crunching louder with each bite. Several parsecs later, all that remained of the Romulans were green fibers wedged between Cordovas 3rd and 4th incisors. This time she remembered to floss.

zander said...

And then zzzzzzoooooooooooooommmmmmmm! The Dental Hygenists smiled, their eyes unblinking, and turned their heads slowly towards the fast noise. A man with a shield blazed through the cornfield, headed straight for them. The second Romulon Dentist went back for another toothbrush. It was going to be a long night.

Anonymous said...

Underneath the couch, which still sat in Nelson's living room lit up by the 65 foot tall flames still eminating from the alien bread ship, sat our seemingly scared little feline... poop no longer on his face. Seeing as how Nelson was still standing in front of a side view mirror of a parked car trying to get his cowlick to stand down while still holding his sheild (this was quite difficult) the frisky tabby quickly sprung into action.

"Get me central command!" screamed Piggy (named for his unusually short twisty tail) while holding his paw up to his ear.

The response on the other end of the line,"Agent Verification."

"Five, zero, niner, dash, echo, bravo with a hat trick." replied Piggy.

"You are a go. Thank you Agent Carl, you are hot in 8 seconds."

Eight seconds later, Piggy/Agent Carl was on the line with General Fellowes at Central Command."

Agent Carl, this better be good. We were just about to get into disc 3 of Golden Girls Season 3. Damn, we love that Sophia."

"General, sir. the tide is out. I repeat, the tide is out."

"Is this some sort of drill?"

"No sir, no drill. This is the real deal. And General, they've got a hostage. I'm afraid sir, It's your master. Cordova."

"Damnit Piggy, don't toy with me!"

"There's not much time sir, my Nelson has almost pulled out all of his hair trying to fix it, soon there will be nothing but patches left and he'll just throw himself into the fight willy-nilly. We need to mobilize the STF-7."

"We haven't used that since the great war."

The General paused to ponder what effect using the STF-7 would have on today's earth.

During this time, Piggy noticed the floor all around the couch he lie under, glow blue. The moments were become more precious. Piggy was fixated on Nelson, who was still in front of the car mirror with an almost bald head and tuff's of hair surrounding the ground where he stood. But With each passing second the blue glow became brighter and brighter. Piggy knew he had act with - well, cat like reflexes.

He did.